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One challenge of this frustrating time has been finding methods to handle grief. The loss of loved ones, enforced isolation, and abounding uncertainty have only heightened anxiety and it's painful effects. Learning how to cope with grief and work through it is imperative for one's mental health. // Saxophonist and composer Caroline Davis has done much to try to allay her own emotions after the harsh period she dealt with in 2019. Davis lost her father early in the year and was trying to cope with this devastating event when the pandemic descended. She turned to research and creation to work herself out again. Her new recording, Portals, Volume 1: Mourning, is a culmination of a year of suffering, accepting, and channeling her mourning through a unique process to find equilibrium through composition and reflection. // Davis has always found ways to deepen her musical work by allowing her current preoccupations drive the generation of her art. When her father suddenly passed, Davis was stunned and needed to find a way to express her feelings. She read about grief and trauma, studying the work of Bessel van der Kolk, Mary Oliver, Resmaa Menakem, and Margaret Stroebe. Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief did not occur in a similar sequence for Davis, so she looked toward the self-help and mystical teachings her father expressed interest in, even up until his passing. // Looking back on her time with her father, Davis began to realize that she must deal not only with the immediate results of his passing but with the legacy of residual pain that he inflicted, intentionally or not. Living at a distance from one another, and his workaholic lifestyle, made things difficult in their relationship. Davis was still wrestling with this. // A welcome aid to Davis's recovery and work was a residency at the McDowell Artists' Colony in New Hampshire. At McDowell, she was able to begin sculpting what would become the pieces on Portals, Volume 1. A grant from the Jerome Foundation made it possible for her to complete the remainder of the compositions and recording in 2020. // Portals, Volume 1 is a collection of pieces that Davis wrote for her current quintet along with a string quartet, her first time orchestrating for this instrumentation. The quintet has been her regular group since 2019 and features trumpeter Marquis Hill, pianist Julian Shore, bassist Chris Tordini, and drummer Allan Mednard. For the string quartet, Davis knew that she desired string players who placed improvisation at the center of their practice. Having had the good fortune to work previously with a number of multi-talented players, she was able to recruit violinists Mazz Swift and Josh Henderson along with violist Joanna Mattrey and cellist Mariel Roberts. // The recording was made at Oktaven Audio in Mt. Vernon, New York during December 2020. The studio was a perfect environment for the musicians, and each had COVID tests prior to the dates. Engineer Ryan Streber offered advantageous assistance, helping with pacing and following the musical scores, insuring that every nuance was captured. // The experience of trauma is remembering, and reflecting on the past helps to consolidate, as feelings can be complicated and change over time. Examining her bodily reactions and re-drawing physical elements like heart rate, breathing, and eye movements, became a central part of Davis's practice. These strategies recognized the full scope of using her body as a portal in the process of healing.